


Give back the real you

by Bloody_winged



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Angst, Insanity, Lime, M/M, Mental Instability, talking of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-05
Updated: 2010-10-05
Packaged: 2017-10-12 10:46:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/124067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bloody_winged/pseuds/Bloody_winged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kain Fuery has been in his position as communicator in the military camp in Ishval for no longer than three weeks as an incoming call made his blood chill...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give back the real you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vexed_Wench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vexed_Wench/gifts).



> Another one of my older fics.
> 
> Original Author's Note:   
> Well... I solely wrote this piece for one person: vexed_wench ^^ I promised I would try someday and what would be better than your birthday?^^ Happy birthday! :D (and I hope you like it, even though it's kind of... really dark ^^;;)
> 
> I know their age has to be wrong, but it worked for me this way, so... *shrugs*
> 
> Timeline: Around the same time of the Ishval rebellion. Just before and after the state Alchemists were called.

Kain woke up as the thunder of an explosion shook their camp. As fast as he could he was up and out of their tent nearly before his eyes were really open. On the open air he got his glasses out and put them on, his breath catching in horror. Even though they were nearly a mile above the ishvallan town they have beleaguered for the last few weeks now, he could see the flames of the uncountable fires licking into the air. Whole blocks of houses have been levered, causing the thunder-like noise to come back again and again as more of them collapsed under their own weight.

Then, another noise reached his ears, a crazed laugh that didn't sound human anymore, and one single tear was running down his cheek. He knew that he was gone now. Now he had completely lost him. Probably forever...

Two weeks ago...

"Cadet Fuery reports to duty, Sir!"

"At ease Cadet. As you may have been already informed, you will be in charge of communications for the next hours. I will head out together with some of our troops. You have been practicing this for the last three weeks, there shouldn't be any problems. Do you have any questions Cadet?"

"No, Sir!"

"Good. You will be here until 6 p.m. Then there will be a shift-change."

With these words the Captain left Kain with the radiostation. This was no surprise to him. The war has been going on for years now and the resistance of the rebells was starting to wear even the strongest of their soldiers down. They needed all forces they could get, which was why even he had gotten the call for battle. At 17 he was still in the Military Academy, but since he showed some great promise in the field of communications and complicated machinery, he and some of the other top cadets were called in together with the regular soldiers.

Preparing himself for endless hours of doing nearly nothing he sat down, ready to leap into action as soon as it would be needed.

He almost didn't believe anymore that anything would happen on his shift as the call came in. Looking at the frequency he saw that it was an incoming call from central headquarters. That was something new. Headquarters only called them if something crucial was about to happen.

"Cadet Fuery here. Please enter your code."

Seeing the code confirmed he looked at his list and saw that it was the code of a General and so he got back on a more secure line.

"Sir?"

"The fuhrer has decided that the war has been going on long enough. He sent his best weapons your way. They'll be arriving tomorrow evening at 0600. I trust that the accommodations will be set up by then."

"I'll deliver the news to Captain Braning, Sir. Is there anything special about these weapons that he should know?"

He could hear a short and cold laugh.

"They are the best weapons the state has to offer. They are the Alchemists."

Kain felt himself freezing while a cold shudder ran down his back. No...

Knowing that it wasn't his call to make he pulled himself back together. He had a job to do.

"Understood, Sir. Is there anything else?"

"That would be all Cadet. Out."

Setting the radio back to how it was before the call, Kain swallowed once. He had known that this could happen. After all, the state held onto his precious Alchemists just for reasons like this, but he had hoped that it wouldn't come to this.

He looked at his watch and saw that his shift was over in a few minutes, therefore he could go and deliver the news himself and didn't need to send a messenger. The Alchemists weren't due until tomorrow, it wasn't that much of a hurry to get the message to his Captain.

Later that evening as he lay in his cot he let himself think more about the things to come. If the Fuhrer had decided to call the Alchemists, then he wanted this war to end as soon as possible. And while he couldn't see anything wrong with that, he feared who he might see the next day.

'Will you be there...?' he wondered.

There was no way he could know or find out, he would have to wait until they arrived. He didn't think they would send them al; after all, not all of them were really fit for combat. But he hoped against hope that he wouldn't see him tomorrow. While he usually would be delighted by the prospect of seeing his old friend, he didn't want it to be under these circumstances.

The next day it was nearly at the end of his own shift as he heard the noise of some transporters that came nearer to the camp. There was no doubt in his mind that this were the same ones that had been send out to get the Alchemists.

Waiting for someone to take the next shift he tried not to let himself become nervous. He would know of he was here sooner or later, getting out of this tent right now wouldn't rush it all that much.

As his shift change came he didn't lose much time in getting out and reporting to his Captain before he was free for the evening as long as he stayed alert and within the confines of the camp.

Marching in the direction of the temporary quarters of the Alchemists he stopped dead in his steps as he hear a familiar voice a few yards behind him.

"So they actually called you in. I didn't want to believe that I actually would see you here."

He could hear the smirk the other man would have on his face in his voice and a small smile tugged on the corners of his lips as he turned, even though his fears came true.

"Hello Kain." the other man greeted him, the suspected smirk firmly in place.

"Zolf. It's good to see you again, even though I didn't want it to be like this."

He went to the taller man and shook his hand. The both of them knew each other for quite a few years now, having grown up in the same town and were good friends. They were as different as they could be, but being the only two youngsters who had actually considered joining the military since an early age the two of them always had been some kind of outsiders in their little village.

The older – and taller – mans smirk only changed into a huge grin and he spread his arms.

"Are you joking? This will be a blast! You know I have hoped to use my alchemy one day for someting useful. And they want that we start on letting all the buildings collapse in the morning."

Kain frowned by the obvious enthusiasm of his friend.

"Don't you think about the dangers? You'll be going to the front line. And what about all the civilians within the buildings?"

Zolf just waved his hand as if dismissing his concern.

"You know you don't have to worry about me, there is nothing going to happen to me. And we're going to start with the deserted buildings and work our way from there. They will have plenty of time to get out to save themselves."

Kain sighed and looked down.

"I hope you're right. I don't like the thought of you going out there."

Feeling the familiar weight of one of Zolfs hand on his shoulder he looked up at his longtime friend again, seeing that his grin had become a bit softer, though it still showed his enjoyment.

"Like I said, you worry to much. Tell me, is here anywhere something like a bar? I want a drink. And we haven't seen each other in a few months, I think we should celebrate that."

Shaking his head Kain bit back his first comment. He knew that Zolf wouldn't care about any protest from him about drinking the night before work.

So he simply led the way, feeling somewhat reassured by the weight of the arm around his shoulders.

The next evening he waited anxious for Zolf to get back. His own shift had been over for quite some time now, but he knew that the Alchemists who had gone out of camp today would come back a good bit later.

Knowing that it probably would be the first place Zolf would go after coming back in, he had placed himself at the small bar they had here. It was nothing big, but they said that it was better to keep their soldiers in a good mood at least in this department when they already couldn't have all that much contact home to their families.

He himself had never been one to drink all that much, though he had drunk his fair share on alcohol in his young life, even though he wasn't even old enough to drink yet. Being friends with Zolf certainly had helped there. Since his friend was four years older than himself it wasn't any problem for him to get the alcohol.

So it came that he nursed a glass of water as Zolf came in. A smile in place to greet his friend it vanished quickly as he got a good view of the other mans eyes. There was something... and he was instantly sure that he didn't like it.

"Zolf?" he asked, not really sure what to say.

His usually so confident and life-enjoying friend just shook his head and got himself a drink – a strong one Kain noticed – before sitting down beside him.

There was a heavy silence in the air between them for the first five or so minutes that it took for the longhaired man to empty his glass and get another one. Only then he looked up and at Kain again.

Gasping slightly at the storm of emotions behind the tan-colored eyes he carefully laid one hand on his friends shoulder.

"What happened?" he asked softly, trying to understand what got him this upset but not wanting to bring back unpleasant memories.

There were another few minutes of silence and he didn't think Zolf would actually answer him anymore as the other man drew in a deep breath.

"You were right to worry. It was... nothing like I thought it would be." he started, his voice so low that Kain had to strain his hearing to actually understand him.

"As we arrived on-site we thought we would only get to destroy a few buildings, maybe warn a few of the civilians with a flashy show... no-one of us would have thought that we actually..." he swallowed "that they actually would want us to go after those civilians. It didn't matter to our commander if they were running away or if they would surrender, he just told us to kill them all."

There was a deep self-loathing beneath the bitterness and Kain closed his eyes for a moment – tight. Something like that was exactly what he had feared would happen. While both of them knew what it contained to be a soldier as they joined up, they also were hoping that their skills wouldn't be needed for anything that would hurt people. They joined up to protect people and to learn, but they never wanted anyone hurt.

Letting his hand move down to his friends back he stroked it up and down, trying to soothe him a bit. He wasn't sure if Zolf even realized it was there, since there was no sign of him being aware of his surroundings.

As the taller man ran one hand through his hair he saw the shaking and bit on his lip, trying to think of something that could help him. But before he could think of anything Zolf started speaking again.

"Tomorrow it is going to be worse. They want us to go in. Me and a few of the others. They want us to split up and work our way from the outside to the midst of the block, hunting the people that are hiding there and cornering them between us before taking them out. I... I don't know what to do Kain. Killing them today was bad enough, but hunting them like animals? Looking them in the eyes before we have to kill them? I think that's too much."

He looked at his friend again, his eyes clearly disturbed. All the time he had spoken he had looked at his drink and now Kain could see that while he still had a tight hold on his emotions, there was some dampness there. That nearly shoked him even more as the shaking or the words in itself. In all the years he had known Zolf, he had never seen the other man cry.

Gesturing for the barkeeper to bring another one of the drinks the longhaired man was drinking he watched his friend, trying desperately to think about something he could do. He knew there was nothing really. Once here you couldn't get out, not if you didn't want to commit treason. He himself had had the option if he really wanted to come here, but the state Alchemists never got that option. As soon as you got accepted within their ranks you had accepted your fate as a human weapon.

Zolf drank the new drink as fast as he had the two before, but the shaking was still there, and so Kain did the only thing he could think of – he pulled him into an embrace. It was a bit awkward since they never had embraced each other before, but he could feel Zolfs arms wrap themselves around him and hold on tight.

Closing his eyes in pain for his friend he gently moved his own hands up and down his back, trying to give comfort when he knew there wasn't anything he could really do.

The next few days it only got worse. Zolf didn't talk as much anymore about what he had to do on the field, but Kain wasn't all that sure if he really wanted to know. One thing that remained the same however were their visits at the bar. The older man would drink a few drinks, just enough to take the edge of himself, calming him down after the sights he had got to see that day, and Kain would hold him for a while.

He didn't like leaving his friend for the night, knowing that he didn't sleep all that well. And who would blame him? By the dark rings beneath his eyes and the dreading expression he had in his eyes every night before they parted he knew that there were nightmares. There had to be. He couldn't imagine living through that hell without anyone having them.

On the fifth or sixth day after they had gone out for the first time Zolf came back even worse than the days before. He didn't even look at Kain as he came into the makeshift bar and ordered something much harder than he had the nights before, chugging it down and ordering the same again.

Kain went to him and tentatively sat down beside him, laying his hand on the older mans shoulder, his eyes looking concerned. Zolf didn't even acknowledge him at first, just staring into his glass as if that was his answer to all his problems.

They sat like this for a long time until the shorter of the two of them could feel a shudder beneath his fingers before Zolf's shoulders dropped a bit and he let out a shaky breath.

"There were children today." was all he said, his voice nearly a whisper.

Kain drew in a sharp breath and squeezed his hand, trying to offer some comfort. He didn't like to see his friend like this. It was obvious that he was falling apart, each day a little bit more.

Then, suddenly the body beneath his fingers went rigid before it started to shake and the longhaired man looked for the first time this evening at hm, his tan eyes, usually full of amusement and sarcasm flickering with something Kain didn't want to name.

"What do they want for us to do next? Can they even imagine what it is to be the reaper for those people? What excuse do they have to send us out there, slaughtering helpless civilians?"

Another shudder ran through the body of his friend and Kain had to bite back his own tears. He could see how this ate away on his longime friend but there was little he could do, as much as he wanted to help him more.

"Zolf..."

He pulled the older man against him, holding him tightly and feeling the vice-like grip he had on him in return while he buried his head at the spectacled teens shoulder.

"Stay with me tonight Kain. I need... I need to know that there is someone alive beside me." he heard Zolf whisper after some long minutes and without thinking about it he nodded, just glad to be able to help the other in one way.

The state Alchemists all had their own tents, something they had earned themselves through the rank of a major and therefore it was easy to pull of.

As Kain had feared, it wasn't an easy night. There were multiple nightmares and the screams that came from the other tents, presumably the other state Alchemists who had to go through the same horror, didn't help any. He tried to help as much as he could, holding his friend and trying to tell him that it was alright, even though he knew that it wasn't.

He knew that his friend wouldn't manage much longer. It wouldn't take all that much longer now until he would break. But he had no idea what would happen then. There was a time he had thought that there was nothing that could shake older man, that he always would just laugh it all off, make a joke out of it.

But he also was one of the few people who knew Zolf's other side. He did his damnest to avoid letting people see it, but some very few friends knew that while he always seemed to only be cocky and egoistical, while he always looked down at others and made a joke out of everything he did, he actually *did* care. And it was this other side that cost him now. It was this other side that made it impossible for him to just forget about what he was seeing while he was out in the field, that made it impossible to just shrug it off.

This night Kain didn't get all that much sleep, trying to be there for his friend and rousing him out of a few nightmares. It didn't bother him. Zolf always had been his best friend, no matter how different they were and he wasn't the one who had to go out facing innocent people and having to kill them. He would life even if he didn't get enough sleep.

The next night was nearly the same. He had gone with Zolf back to his tent even though the older man hadn't asked. But he had a feeling that his presence was more than welcome. The longhaired man didn't talk all that much anymore, neither what he was doing in the field, nor anything else. His eyes had gotten dull, as if he was just trying to shut out the whole world.

Even though he hadn't said anything, he welcomed Kains closeness, the other warm and breathing body that was laying beside him.

The nightmares were just as bad as the night before, if not even worse. At one point Kain woke up to Zolf clinging that tight against him that he had trouble breathing. Only after some long, fearfull minutes was he able to wake his friend up.

They lay in the dark after that, arms wrapped around each other. Neither of them said anything but both knew that the other was awake.

At long last the longhaired man looked at him and there was something in his tan eyes he couldn't really interpret. He had never seen it before and even though he had a instinctiv feeling that it wasn't *bad* he wasn't all that sure about if it was *good* either.

"Make me forget, Kain." the older man said, his voice sure of himself though there was this something underlying it too.

Confused as for what his friend would want from him he looked at him, his own eyes quizzical. There wasn't anything he would refuse to do for Zolf, that much he was sure about, even though he didn't know yet what it was he would want.

"It doesn't have to mean anything, just... make me forget."

His friends hands suddenly were beneath his shirt and he wondered how he couldn't have understood it for this the first time. Smiling a bit uncertainly he nodded. He didn't have any experience with sex yet and while he would gladly give Zolf whatever he needed he couldn't help feeling nervous about it.

A bit of the longhaired mans old cocky grin came back as he saw the nod and he leaned in to nibble a bit on the shorter mans throat.

"Just relax and let me do everything." he murmured and Kain tightened his hold around the older man.

"You know that you don't have to ask. I would do everything to help you." he answered him, though a bit of his nervousness still could be heard in his voice.

Zolf had heard it too and quipped one eyebrow at him. Something in his eyes seemed to convince him however that it really was alright and he leaned in to kiss him.

After that it wasn't at all like Kain had imagined his first time, but if one could forget about why it even happened, it couldn't have been more perfect. Maybe he didn't love Zolf like that, wasn't *in* love with him, but they always had been close. They always had shared some kind of connection.

The longhaired man took his time, obviously trying to drown himself in the extasy the act brought but at the same time he never forgot about his partner. He made him wreathe beneath him, panting and flushing and not understanding half of what he was feeling but knowing that it felt *right*. Zolf's kisses were hot and demanding, but also reassuring, understanding. His hands were like snakes, seemingly everywhere at once but no-where at all.

Their bodies heated up and a fine layer of sweat coated their skin. Their movements got hectic, more rushed after a while and it was as if the two of them were falling together in an endless pit but flying above the highest clouds at the same time. They came together and even though there was a bit of pain, Kain never complained, beared with it and never regretted it, for it became only better than anything he could have imagined.

Zolf had been gone already the next morning as Kain woke up and he had had more than enough time to get some order back into his thoughts. He didn't regret sleeping with his friend, probably his best friend, but he didn't know what he was feeling right now. The older man had said it didn't have to mean anything, but was it really that? Just sex? He couldn't shake the feeling that there was more. Why would Zolf say it wouldn't *have* to mean anything instead of simply saying it didn't mean anything?

He was confused, but he gathered that that was probably normal. In his seventeen years he never had anyone he had been romantically interested in and the person he always had been closest to was Zolf for as long as he could think back.

Deciding that whatever had happened last night, it shouldn't bother him since they still were friends – at least he couldn't imagine them not being friends any longer – he also got up and ready for his shift.

This evening he had to wait longer for Zolf to come back and at first he thought it maybe was because of the night before, but it soon became apparent that his not coming back had nothing to do with him. No-one of the other Alchemists was back either and therefore it had to be something else.

Nervously waiting for his friend to come back he reviewed what had happened the night before again. He had had more than enough time to do the same thing during his shift today, but it didn't matter how much time went by, his thoughts still were the same – he had really enjoyed what had happened and somehow he had found that he would be a bit disappointed if it wouldn't happen again.

Of course, there was a good possibility that this was all he would get – and it hadn't even been because of him. Zolf had needed something pleasurable to forget about all the horror he saw during the day and knowing that he could trust his friend he had asked him. This was nothing more for him. Was it?

It was nearly midnight before he came into the bar. Far later than any night before. Smiling at the sight of his friend Kain wanted to get up, but as he got his first good look at him... he froze. There was something wrong. Not in the way there had been something wrong for all the time since the longhaired man arrived, but something else. Something that was disturbing for him but he didn't know if Zolf took even notice of it.

The whole posture of the older man had changed. The way he held himself, the way he walked... it was as if he was a complete other person. Instead of dropped down his shoulders were confidentely held, instead of walking unsure of his next step his movements were of someone who didn't care about anything that went on around him. His head was held high and there was a smile on his face... Kain shuddered. He didn't like this. Didn't like this at all.

Watching his friend dropping himself on one of the bar chairs and cheerfully order a drink he stood up and went to him, a determined but slightly unsure expression on his face.

"Zolf? Did anything good happen today?" he asked him while sitting down beside him.

The other just smirked as he maybe would have done before he ever did arrive in this camp and waved as if to dismiss him.

"Nah, just the usual shit. I already told you plenty of it. Killing men, women, children, maybe a dog or two... nothing new."

Kain shuddered by the careless tone of his best friends voice and really *looked* at him. This couldn't be happening... he had feared that this might happen, but it couldn't... he didn't want it to...

But Zolfs eyes were dead, void of any emotion. His mouth was shaped into that careless smirk and his posture showed relaxation, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

Suddenly growing angry Kain balled his fist and knocked it with all he had against his friends cheek.

For a moment there was complete silence around them, then Zolf seemed to come out of his stupor and looked with angry flashing eyes at him, holding one hand against his cheek and spitting out some blood.

"Are you crazy? Why the hell did you hit me?" he demanded an answer.

Kain was inwardly relieved that he would ask rather than simply starting to hit him back. He knew he didn't have a chance against Zolf if it really came down to a brawl. And he was relieved to see the anger in his friends tan eyes. Anger was better than the emptyness that had been there before.

"Did you hear yourself talk? You talk as if it wouldn't matter that you had to kill innocents! You talk as if it was the most normal thing in the world!" he told him in a slightly to loud voice, his tone a bit desperate.

Then, suddenly, Zolf seemed to sink down within himself. His shoulders dropped and in his eyes there was realization of what had happened only a few minutes ago.

Eyes filled with pain looked at Kain.

"Take me out of here." he whispered and the shorter man didn't need to be told twice.

Grasping the longhaired mans arm he pulled him out of the bar behind him to his tent where he laid the two of them down and held the now shaking man. Zolf didn't cry, but he had a feeling that he wanted to. His shoulders were tense and he refused to look at him.

Rubbing his back Kain just laid back and held him, letting him work out for himself what had just happened while also thinking about it.

Since he had seen Zolf in this camp he had always known that this was a possibility to happen. Knowing about the more sensible side of his friend he knew that it would eat on him having to kill, especially innocent people who weren't guilty of having done anything.

After a while the shaking went down a bit and the longhaired man relaxed against him. Then he suddenly felt one of the others hands wander below his uniform-shirt and he drew in a sharp breath. He knew what Zolf wanted – and he would be a fool to deny that he would be more than happy to give it to him.

It was even more intense than the night before, with Zolf's feelings running even higher, giving him an extra edge to everything he did. His caresses were desperate, as were every movement he did and every kiss he gave. Kain just tried to keep up with him and to give him what he needed, knowing that he could trust the older man.

After they were laying in each others arms, silent except for the screams that came from the tents all around them.

"You have to get out of here." Kain whispered after a while, carefully.

He knew that it wasn't really possible, but he also knew that they had to do it before it was to late.

Zolf simply shook his head.

"You know as good as I do that it is impossible to get away without commiting treason. And I'm not doing that. We both joined the military because we wanted to protect all the innocent people who cannot fight for themselves. If I would run now, what would all that killing have been for?"

Kain clenched his teeth together, knowing that the older man was right but not wanting to accept it.

"I'll be alright, Kain. As long as I have you with me here I'll be alright."

His voice had become gentler as it had been before, trying to sooth his tense friend.

At last the short teen shook his head.

"No you won't, and you know it as well as I do. What happened today... it only will get worse. This war is nowhere near the end and..." he shut up while he felt the heat coming to his face.

Had he really nearly said what he thought he had nearly said?

Lifting himself up on one elbow to look his friend into the eyes Zolf looked down at him.

"And?"

Biting his lip Kain tried to avoid looking directly into his friends eyes but a gentle hand on his chin didn't let him much of a choice.

"And I care for you far too much as that I could lose you. You always have been my best friend but this" he gestured with his hands to the two of them "just proved to me that there is more. This is far more than just sex and you know it too." he told him at last, his voice first a whisper but growing louder as he became agitated.

His cheeks burned with embarrassement and he hoped that he was right, that he hadn't just made a complete fool out of himself.

Zolf just smiled down at him and kissed him, not saying anything. And even though Kain wanted to demand an answer, he knew that it wouldn't be a good idea. The longhaired man always needed some time to sort himself out first before he managed to speak about himself. This kiss proved at least that he wasn't completely wrong. If there was more... well, he would have to wait and see.

The next evening Kain was anxious for Zolf to come back. After what had happened the night before he feared what he might see. His friend and lover had assured him that he would be alright, that he would try to not let it all get to him too much, but the young communicator knew that this was something that was simply out of his control.

He had placed himself so that he would see when the Alchemists came back into the camp. He wasn't about to wait in the bar again. If he was right with his fears than what Zolf would need wouldn't be found there.

Again it took a few hours until they came in. He got his first good look at the others. They all seemed worn out from what they had to do, some of them had tear-streaks down their cheeks and most of them looked like they were ready to break down.

As he saw Zolf he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment but he forced himself to show a smile, even though he knew it came out sad.

The taller man looked exactly like he did the night before. Confident, with a small bounce in his step that indicated that he was in a good mood. A small but cruel smile laid on his lips and his eyes again had this empty expression in them, though there was something else flickering behind them.

Apparently he had seen Kain, because he came straight to him and, not bothering about who might see them, leaned down to kiss the shorter man.

His eyes growing wide Kaind tried to get away but found that his friend held him in place, his grip harder than ever before. The kiss wasn't loving at all, it was shallow and void of any emotions at all expect maybe thirst for control. It felt like his mouth got raped and he couldn't help but try and get away.

Shaking the older man after a few, long minutes Kain quickly took a few steps back, shivering slightly and with his legs feeling like they might give out beneath him.

Zolf just snarled at him and closed the gap between them, grasping his arms again and lifting his eyebrow in a smug way, showing no compassion at all at the way the younger man clearly was afraid of what he might do.

"What's the matter Kain? I thought you liked this?" he told him in a husky voice before leaning in to kiss him again.

Not knowing what else he could do Kain shut his eyes tight and bit on Zolfs tongue – hard. Tasting blood in his mouth he whimpered a bit and with a cry of pain he felt the taller man shove him away with enough force to let him stumble and fall down.

"You dumb little whore!" Zolf hissed, one of his hands on his mouth.

Feeling the tears in his eyes Kain looked up at the other man, seeing his angry expression as he looked down at him, his posture showing that he was ready to hit him. Feeling one of the tears escape and running down his cheek he held his gaze fixed to the angry stare of his friend, hoping to somehow get through to him.

Seeing his friend crying on the ground before him shook Zolf out of the trance he had been in. His angry expression changed into one of shock and he slowly shook his head as if unable to believe what had just happened.

Seeing the hurricane of emotions running through his lovers eyes Kain shakily got up again, going to the older man and wrapping his arms around him, holding him tightly. He knew that there still was a chance of him going back to how he was only a few minutes ago, but it suddenly didn't matter to him anymore. All that counted was that his friend needed support right now, and he would give him everything he needed, all that he could give. There never was a question in his mind when it came to whose needs were more important.

It took a while but at last Zolf returned the embrace, clinging to the shorter man tightly, his own body shivering again.

"I'm sorry, Kain. I'm so sorry. I..."

Hushing his friend with a quick kiss Kain shook his head, a sad expression in his face.

"It's... ok. We both knew this might happen. I know this wasn't really you."

Looking down up his longtime friend Kain could see the despair in his eyes. Tightening his hold for a moment he tried to steady himself, tried to show him that everything was alright.

"Let's go to your tent. You need some quiet after everything that has happened today.

He could feel the difference the days events made. Zolf wasn't as confident, as forward that night. The first move had to come from him and after that it was as if the older man just fell against him, soaking in everything he gave him but not really ready to participate as he had done before. He was more withdrawn, the slight shiver that had been running through him since his sanity has come back to him still there and not going away.

Their emotions were running high again, Kain's fear for his lover pushing him forward and Zolf's fear to hurt his friend holding him back. As their bodies came together at last Kain knew that this wasn't simple sex any longer. He wasn't sure if it ever really was, but this night proved to him all the more that their feelings for each other ran by far deeper than simple friendship.

He held Zolf tightly against his body after they were done, feeling the tension still within him, even after his orgasm. This wasn't something physical relief could heal since he had to fight his own mind, and Kain knew and feared it. He knew it wasn't looking good and there was no way to say how it would end for them.

At long last they both fell asleep, though Kain woke more than once to Zolf trashing around, trapped within a nightmare. Every time he woke him and held him and talked to him until he fell asleep again, his own feelings bleeding at seeing his friend like this, helpless as to what he could do.

The next night Zolf didn't come back. The other Alchemists told him that there were some of them singled out that had to continue through the night and Zolf was one of them. Kains breath faltered as he heard that and he looked with wide, shocked eyes in the direction the others had came from. There was no way for him to go and get his friend out of there, but he knew... somehow he knew that something was about to happen. Something bad. Without the relief of their nights, he didn't think that Zolf would be able to withstand the strain of all this.

Hoping that his friend would come in only a few hours later he waited, not going anywhere and looking out for the longhaired man. But as the night became the early morning he had to accept that Zolf wasn't coming back tonight and he went to his tent, not even thinking about it.

It took at least another hour for him to fall asleep. Zolf's scent was all around him and even though he feared for the other man, it was what lulled him to sleep at last.

At least until the tremor of a nearby explosion woke him up again...

END


End file.
